Make Way

Woman in black dress standing in front of a brick wall that says SALT SHED in blue paint. There is a green plant next to her. She is standing on asphalt ground.

I have had the urge to write more lately. I used to a lot, and then I stopped, and started, and stopped again. And then I shifted the kind of writing I did to something more practical – recipes. How harmless? How completely behind the wall I could be if I just typed away about garlic? Which is great, but doesn’t always scratch that creative itch that I seriously need to stay sane on this spiraling planet that’s somehow floating in this JELLO mold of space and time.

Lately, I feel like I am in the woods, in the rain, cut up, bruised, and I’m pushing something. I’m trying to move a block, a giant stone or tree or something. And I’m using all the force in the world to try, try, try to make way.

Is this what rebirth is?

I saw Fleet Foxes recently at a new venue, The Salt Shed. It was my first *real* concert since before the modern Dark Ages came amongst us, and I had to remind myself where I was throughout the show. Mostly because their sound was perfect. It was as if I had my headphones on and walking down the street. Just a spectacular show. But they also played songs that I hadn’t listened to as much and they really stuck with me, especially this quote:

“Sunlight over me no matter what I do”

See, despite the feeling of trying to make way in the middle of a rainy wood, feeling utter defeat, I know there’s always sunlight over me. I know that it gets better. I have said to myself, “but I am SO sick of telling myself that it’s going to get better.” Okay, so then what, girl? It’s going to be mediocre? Nah. Not in the cards. The last few months, it’s like while I’m pushing that giant tree or stone or whatever, I know there’s a peek of sun coming over that mountain that I also I have to climb.

I am making way.

What am I making way for though? *shrugs* Time will surely tell. I wrote about it soon after my break up in April. I wrote that some of my deepest loves and happiest moments have yet to come to me. Perhaps, I am making way for them to arrive. Clearing out the space, cleaning things up, gutting it all out to make way for all the good there is to come.

I told ya’ll I was trying to shift the blog. There’s a sense of relief in melding together the various aspects of myself into a whole being. I guess this is the thing everyone talked about once you hit your 30s. You care a little less and become a little more you. I used to think I had to compartmentalize all of the aspects of my life. There was work Mary, silly goofy comedy Mary, the Mary would got frustrated but only with safe people, food blogger Mary, real estate Mary, girlfriend Mary…”everything is okay so just smile through it” Mary. If I kept it all separate, if I shifted my writing to only write about the practical things, if I only posted my cute outfit…I can protect myself from being vulnerable to complete strangers.

Instead, I’m bringing it all together. Like Thanos? I don’t know. I barely watch Marvel. All I know is that it took a lot of bullshit and sacrifice to get all those infinity stones onto that tacky glove.

I can’t believe I’m ending this post with a Marvel reference, but I’m here for it.

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